Any Lengths

I've been going to meetings away from the club, mostly because of the smoking issue. Strangely, it is almost like A.A. is foreign to me, like its a different organization outside the club, in the churches and libraries. Or maybe its that I was looking for something easy and gravitated to that.

What I'm seeing lately is that there's a lot of work involved in the steps, a lot of change. And, as with anything, I don't want to change until the pain of staying the same is too great. But I had absolutely no idea how to begin. So, last night at the meeting, I began where I never begin: I told the truth, poured my heart out about how weak and vulnerable I felt, how unknowledgeable and stupid I felt about the program and working the steps and I asked for help. And I cried. Right there in front of God and everybody.

And its funny, there's this conditioned response inside of me for when I am emotional or vulnerable, or rather, if I show any kind of emotion or vulnerability, I immediately feel shame. No matter how good the outcome, I am still ashamed that I did it, that I let someone see that part of me. I still feel it now about how I acted at the meeting, and if everything stays the same with me I'll feel it every time I ever think about that meeting. I felt it every time I ever was open with RW. I-want-to-crawl-out-of-my-skin-I-have-to-get-AWAY-from-ME kind of shame. And last night before the meeting, I knew I was going to feel this way, but I did it anyways. Because I have to go to any lengths. And someone reached out to me and took my phone number and talked to me for a few minutes after the meeting. I hope she calls me.

So, I've decided to acknowledge the shame and say, ok, I don't know why you're there, I did nothing wrong, but if you have to hang around, fine. I'm going to keep doing this though, I'm going to open myself up anyways. I might get hurt? Fine. And its my own damn fault for trusting people? Yep, I get that too. I'm ok with that. So, I guess even though the shame is there, it doesn't have to control me anymore. Hopefully it will go away. Soon.