...or something somewhat resembling sanity. I stopped taking the Chantix, which is the medicine that helps me not to smoke. Unfortunately, it also made me crazy and neurotic. And it kind of sucks that I went crazy just now because I have recently been smoking occasionally and I wanted to get some time completely abstinent under my belt before I quit taking the Chantix. Alas, it was not to be. Craziness and total neuroticism are traits that the general public does not well tolerate. Don't argue, It is True! I have seen it! Also, something written on Pam's blog haunts me all the time... she mentioned that she quit quite a few years ago, and on the sidebar it says, "I still want it bad every minute of the day" and frankly, I just don't feel like fighting it every single day, all the time for the rest of my life. Its not that I can't, I just don't want to.
So I'm off the drug and have not had a cigarette since Thursday night (I had one) and Wednesday (I had 2). And... well so far so good but I really like to smoke with my morning coffee. Which I guess I could tolerate, but then I found out that the feeling never goes away. And that sucks.
I'm going in for an MRI tomorrow morning. I will blog on that one day. I don't really want to talk about it too much. Except that I'm a little scared. Sponsee is taking me so at least I won't be alone.
The other thing I did recently was make a list of goals. A July - December list. If I am able to get half of it done I will be very proud of myself. The reason I did it was to establish a sense of urgency, give myself some deadlines. Keeps me from thinking so fucking much.
I will post my goals in January and say which ones I met and which ones I didn't.
Gratitude: In my kitchen is background music from my new Rat Pack CD that I borrowed from RW. That I'm Not. Giving. Back. (When the thoughts start spinning, and I stop and clear my head, in streams Sammy singing That Old Black Magic, or Dean's Memories are Made of This. I like when I booby trap my house with cool shit around every corner...)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
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7 comments:
One person's experience is not necessarily the way it will be for everybody. I was a total nicotine addict. I tried many times to quit and failed.
When I was 7 years sober, I tried again. I used a patch that gave me nightmares. When I was done with that, I bummed a cigarette here or there for a few weeks. One day, I said to myself, let's get real....either go buy a carton (are you going to bum cigarettes the rest of your life?) or QUIT!
So, I quit. I've been smoke free for 17 years. It took a while, but the desire to smoke left me. I don't think about smoking. Don't want one. If I see someone smoking, I think how glad I am not to be chained to that addiction anymore and then I turn my head. I don't look at people drinking either. Maybe something in what I just wrote will help.
Keep praying, use the steps, and don't stop trying.
Prayers,
PG
My best friend was able to quit using smokeless tobacco using Chantix. The only side-effects were some rather realistic sex dreams.
Like that's a bad thing?
They always take away the good shit.
My daughter, the brainiac, is totally goal orientated. She has life mapped out for some 50 years. I was never like that. Whatever happened I would be like "oopps."
Well Ann, I'm here to report that from a three+pack-a-day 30-year habit (except for Lent!), I quit in 1977--with the "buddy" system. My Buddy was a quite attractive oboe player in Birmingham (AL) Symphony (I was a violinist there)...I made it, she did not. I used our Twelve Steps--she did not have 12 steps...except in her back stairway--Ooooops!
And the compulsion/obsession. craving DOES go away. At least it did with me, but it WAS hard! When I tended bar, I used to look at all the peeps in the lounge, and "pictured" them as human smoke-stacks, belching out toxic stuff. that helped me a lot. I WAS sober during all this...and still am!
Not preaching here, just sayin'.........
The only advice I can give, is to approach it the same way you approach sobriety. You didn't have a pill, a patch, or any other placebo. It's easier said than done. It will be 2 years for me in Oct. Do you still want a cigarette. At times, but you get past it. As Alcoholics we still get that urge for a drink but manage to stay the path.
You can do this dear friend. Hang in there and I'm an email away, whenever you need some encouragement. (Hugs)Indigo
I couldn't find a place to comment on today's blog that you are smoking again. So...here's my thought.
As I said in my comment above, Don't Stop Trying. It may be a while before you try again, but just keep trying - someday you will be successful.
PG
I'm glad that I never smoked. Hope that you will be able to quit for good eventually.
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